I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
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