I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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