dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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