TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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