If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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