Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
