im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
