is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
