I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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