I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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