So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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