That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
