I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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