Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
