my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
