The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
