i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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