you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
