I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Come see our sink grown plant.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
