If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
