thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
