Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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