Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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