I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
