At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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