The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
false alarm. still invincible.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
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