I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
