You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
