Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
