Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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