Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
