This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
