Kiss
Puke
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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