Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
