then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
