I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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