I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize