Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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