mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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