When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
