is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
