Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
