I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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