i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
