My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
