I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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