She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
