oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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