the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize