I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
no, he came in my armpit
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
