my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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