she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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