Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
