I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
