Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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