shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
