im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
