i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize